The scariest moment is always just before you start.
It has been my experience that from one’s first interaction with people, even at a very young age, we are constantly trying to figure out where we belong. Who do we mesh well with? Where do we fit and why do we feel most comfortable there? Not much has changed for me as I have grown into adulthood either. I still find myself trying to figure out where I fit in as well.
As most of you know, as a family we have decided to bring our children home for their education. As I sit here typing this e-mail, I feel a bit euphoric in the fact that I am about to embark on this journey. I’m excited about it and a little slap happy as well! Past experiences are amazing teachers, however, so I am also very aware that this road would be closed to many because of the extreme challenges, stress a responsibility it takes. I fully understand it’s no walk in the park. In the short two days since we have made that decision, I have realized that there are many circles that I don’t fit into anymore. Not by my choice, but because of ignorant people’s view on what my life is going to very quickly transform into. I have actually talked to people whom I have known for years who must think I’ve changed my citizenship from the good ‘ol US of A to Mars. On the flipside, even though I have gotten my toes wet in home education in the past, many on the home education side see me as just a baby with no real value when it comes to my opinion on curriculum and teaching methods. It’s like I just haven’t found my place in the whole scheme of things yet. Let’s be real here, that’s ok. I’m only two days into this for Pete’s sake. And the other thing is, I’m ok where I am even if I don’t “fit” in with anyone else other than my family. Ultimately, I know that I am “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14) “in his own image” (Gen 1:27). I also know that I, and many many others have prayed over the past three years for God’s leading in the area of home education. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is where he wants my family for this season in our lives. As long as I “fit” into God’s plan, nothing else matters.
I have to wonder if my kids will be experiencing the same thing. Not because they will be “weird, socialized people” but because others won’t feel like they have things in common anymore.
This subject doesn’t just happen socially. This afternoon, my oldest has been taking math placement tests for the Math U See curriculum. He is actually in between two programs, Gamma and Delta. He sails right through the first portion of both placement tests but doesn’t fit securely into either one. He felt frustrated at times yet confident at other times. In the public school system, he was in advanced math. However, with this curriculum, he has to take a step back by some people’s terms because he doesn’t have a FIRM foundation in multiplication (Gamma) and division (Delta). I refuse to push him through simply because he’s “supposed” to be moving on. That’s the beauty of home education, after all. Small class, one on one attention. I am excited that I have the chance to help him realize what Proverbs 3:21 means (My son, do not let wisdom and understanding out of your sight, preserve sound judgment and discretion;) in real life. As long as he grasps things of God, as long as he seeks to know things bigger than him meaning God’s plan for his life, my son will be just fine. At any rate, it’s frustrating to feel like your feet aren’t firmly planted in one particular place, no matter which arena one is talking about, be it social or academic.
Please pray for our family concerning this transition period, daily schedule and time management, my ability to be sensitive to the kiddos when they get frustrated when they don’t feel like they measure up, and probably more frequently than the others, grace and mercy on the kids part when I lose my patience and am too critical. Let’s face it, I’m human and I am bound to make mistakes daily. I just pray we are able to lean on God and grow closer to him during this adventure.